My husband infected me with HIV without knowing. Anxiety, fear: I’m afraid that I have infected my wife and daughter with HIV
Woman.ru continues the “Real Story” column, in which ordinary women openly share with us unimagined stories from their lives. This time our heroine was 27-year-old Anna. She found out about her HIV status when she went to the antenatal clinic to register for pregnancy. Anna talked about how the disease changed her life and even helped her find her calling.
Before going to the antenatal clinic, Anna did not even suspect that she was infected
My older sister is beautiful and I am smart. That's what my mother told me. “But you study well and do economics. Your husband will truly love you,” I heard this more than once or even twice as a child. My appearance is, indeed, the most ordinary: gray eyes, brown hair, I am short and plump. Yes, a gray spot. I never caught the eye of handsome men, and what’s more, guys never looked at me at all.
For the time being, nothing special happened in my life. In the mornings I went to study at the institute I hated. Well, what kind of accountant am I? When I was twenty, I was tired of everything, I was tired of being good, and I staged a kind of rebellion - I switched to the correspondence course and moved out of my parents’ place into the apartment where my grandmother used to live. I started working in a grocery store near my home.
"We were happy"
As soon as I fluttered out of my parents’ nest, interesting events began to happen in my life: every evening the man of my dreams came into the store where I worked. At twenty years old, I had never even kissed, so I was very surprised when one evening he asked me out on a date.
Suddenly I felt like I was in a fairy tale. My prince was with me.
Andrey was five years older than me. He worked in construction, played sports, did not drink or even smoke. Soon we began to live together. It was incredible love! I wanted to be with him all the time, we almost never parted and every evening we fell asleep in our arms. Andrey reread and rewatched all my favorite books and films. He wanted to know what I was doing. When we got married, my relatives were very happy for me: “I finally found my happiness!” Mom then said that Andrei loves me for my pure soul, which means he truly loves me. In the first year of our marriage, everything was great. After work, my husband immediately ran home, constantly repeating that he couldn’t live without me.
It seemed to our heroine that Andrei was a prince who would always be there
The problems started two years later. The husband became irritable, constantly arguing with someone on the phone, and sometimes even left somewhere at night. However, his attitude towards me did not seem to change, and after reflection, I decided that it was too early to sound the alarm. Overall we were still happy.
We did not use protection and practiced coitus interruptus. Andrei said that if we have a child, it will make him even happier. When I was twenty-four years old, I became pregnant.
Now I often wonder at what point the turning point occurred and everything went wrong. I can't find the answer. Believe me, we were happy. I didn't think that he could cheat on me.
Fatal day
In September 2015, I, pregnant, went to the antenatal clinic at my place of residence. At the appointment, the smiling doctor asked me to take tests. A day later they called me from the clinic, they spoke so harshly and rudely that I was scared:
Come urgently!
- For what? - I did not understand.
- Urgently!
After taking time off from work, I ran to the consultation, thinking that something was wrong with the baby. I wrote to Andrey by SMS that I was urgently called to the antenatal clinic. I walk into the office, trembling, and the doctor shouts: “You have HIV!” Think about abortion!
Anna was treated with contempt at the clinic
My new life began at that very moment. The world is split into “before” and “after”. It was like they poured cold water on me. I was sure it was a mistake! Sitting further and further away from me, the doctor muttered: “There are special drugs for people like you... Contact the AIDS Center.”
Seeing his seriousness, I cried and knelt down: “This cannot be, doctor! I only had a husband!”
At that moment, I was ready to love this man with all my soul if he suddenly said that the diagnosis was incorrect. I even waited for him to admit his mistake, and for me to breathe a sigh of relief and forgive him for the misunderstanding. There was a feeling that this was a prank, a reality show, that a film crew was about to appear and shout: “Surprise!” and will give me a prize. “Doctor, who could have infected me?” - I shed tears. “Girl, I don’t know who you caught this from! You need to be careful! Talk to your… partners,” the doctor winced. “Now please leave the office, you are interfering with my work.”
Now I understand that he did not know how to react correctly. “Partners? I have one husband,” I was surprised. “So talk to him!” - came the answer. Barely able to stand, I left the antenatal clinic.
The fairy tale ends
That same evening I asked Andrey how this could happen. I was ready to do anything - sell my soul to the devil, donate an apartment to a homeless person, rob a bank, just to avoid being a carrier of a terrible virus. “This is some kind of joke, and you and the doctor agreed?” I asked. How naive I was!
The girl's husband initially denied that he cheated
I so wanted my life to return to normal. If it were possible to return everything, I wouldn’t go to the hospital, I wouldn’t get pregnant, just not to know... I asked Andrey if he cheated on me. He denied everything and even called my parents with the words: “Anya is playing me very cruelly.” Parents came to “reason” with their unlucky daughter. They shook their heads and clicked their tongues, and then I silently showed them the result of the analysis. Mom then had to call an ambulance. My husband kept saying, “This is a joke. This can't happen."
The next morning Andrei left my apartment, saying: “I'm sorry. It happened by accident. I cheated on you once...”
Perhaps, while cheating, he thought: “Maybe it will blow away.” It seems to me that he guessed that he could be infected, he just didn’t want to believe it. That evening for him was just an attempt to delay the onset of a new life “with a plus sign.” The next time we met was two months later during the divorce and we never saw each other again. During all this time, he did not even inquire about the fate of our common child.
Life goes on
I took repeated tests. They were positive. After that, I lay on the couch for several days, cracking sunflower seeds and looking at the ceiling. My parents were with me and tried to support me, but it only got worse.
On the Internet I read about a girl whose husband infected her when she was thirty-three years old. She gave birth to a healthy child. The other was a drug addict, and she also managed to give birth safely. I was especially touched by the story of a girl who was also infected by her husband. After that, she found the strength to become a peer consultant and help those who had just learned about the diagnosis. Equal means also infected with HIV.
On one forum I found this girl and asked her how I should live further. “Nothing bad happened to you. Life is not over. With proper treatment and the right lifestyle, you can live no less with HIV than without it,” she answered. The girl gave birth to a healthy daughter and assured me that if I take the necessary medications, everything will be fine.
At the AIDS Center, Anna was assured that her baby would be born healthy
She invited me to a meeting of HIV-positive people at the AIDS Center. I went there expecting to see drug addicts and alcoholics. How surprised I was when I found myself in the company of kind and affectionate people. Some of them worked as peer consultants. People who had just learned about their diagnosis could call them at any time of the day or night. At the meeting they spoke about themselves with a smile, openly: “My husband infected me. It turns out that a couple of years ago he became a drug addict. I loved him very much until I found out about the diagnosis,” “At twenty-nine years old, I accidentally slept with the first person I met. They say that you need to protect yourself, but I couldn’t restrain myself,” “Even prostitutes are given condoms, but some clients, for an additional fee, ask to sleep with them without condoms.” That’s how I became infected with HIV.”
There were also happy stories: “My husband and I are both positive. We met at the AIDS Center and now we are not parting. We are planning a child,” “And I’m getting married soon, my girlfriend is “negative.” Until he caught HIV, he was a drug addict. Now I play sports, don’t drink, and quit smoking. You could say the infection saved my life.”
Happiest moment
“How can I live with you when you have HIV?” - asked my aunt. We didn't communicate with her anymore. After that, my mother and I decided not to tell anyone about the diagnosis. I need to think about my son.
I’m ashamed to admit, but I remembered about my pregnancy only a month after that fateful day. I devoted the remaining time before giving birth to swallowing antiviral drugs by the handful and running to doctors. The AIDS Center specialists said: “Give birth. The child will be healthy."
During pregnancy, Anna took special antiviral drugs
I went through a lot during my pregnancy. The doctor at the antenatal clinic treated me with disgusting pity, so to speak. Each time, in addition to gloves, she wore a mask and goggles. It looked like she was doing it on purpose because she was disgusted. In the first trimester, I decided to make an appointment with the dentist, naively deciding that I was honest and would not hide my status. The girl at the reception desk snapped: “You have your own hospitals, go there.” I still didn’t understand what she meant.
Then I realized that I have the right to decide whether to tell the doctor about my status or not.
At the same time, the question of whether I have infectious diseases must be answered honestly, because a person with a positive status is criminally responsible for infecting other people.
At the same time, all doctors are required to comply with sanitary standards so that the infection does not spread from one patient to another.
I told some friends about the diagnosis. After that, my best friend first began to reschedule our meetings, then stopped answering the phone altogether. She replied to my messages on social networks that she was busy. Then she said directly: “You have been my friend for a long time and should understand me. I cannot risk the health of my children." Mom kept repeating: “Aren’t you afraid to give birth? The child will be the same." The father was simply silent. There was no news from my ex-husband.
Our heroine found new friends in a support group for HIV-positive people
The self-help group of HIV-positive people became a real salvation for me. I had no problems getting medications; fortunately, the medications are provided free of charge. At work (I was still a salesperson) I didn’t tell anyone about the diagnosis. HIV is not transmitted through airborne droplets.
The pregnancy was going well. At the first screening I was told that it was expected to be a boy. I cried with joy. The happiest moment in my life was my son's first cry. He was born completely healthy. I had a caesarean section, but I don’t know why - because of HIV or for some other indication. True, I did not breastfeed my baby, because the virus can be infected through milk.
Find a calling
At the AIDS Center we often meet with the guys, discuss their condition and share news. During such meetings, I realized that I wanted to become a peer consultant. I currently work for a well-known charity that specializes in helping those newly diagnosed. Someone who has just found out about their status can call me at any time. I tell you how to live with the virus, I am ready to listen, support and reassure. The first thing they ask is: “Am I going to die soon?” and “Will I be able to have sex now?”
I remember once we offered people from the crowd to take an HIV test. One girl tested positive. She was in a trance.
I told her: “Look at me. Almost three years ago, my husband, my only man, infected me. I survived it. I have a wonderful son. Live too!”
A person who has been diagnosed with HIV needs to be explained that life goes on, it is not as scary as everyone thinks. You can survive everything. The thought “I will die young” is absurd. The most difficult thing is to psychologically get along with the diagnosis. This is why it is so important to communicate with those who are also sick, because only they can understand and say: “You will live.”
I don't talk about my diagnosis. I began to communicate less with relatives and old friends, but I made many new ones. The illness, which turned my life upside down, at the same time helped me find my calling and become self-confident. I can safely say that I am happy.
Do I have a man? I believe that I will meet a person who will love me. He will definitely accept me and my son as we are.
“Yes, it’s a disease, but nothing more. I accepted it"- Alexey says calmly (all names have been changed at the request of the heroes). He has an intelligent, attentive face and something professorial, knowing in his gaze. No wonder, because Alexey is a psychologist. Today he helps people with HIV accept the disease and stop the war with themselves. He has a wife (HIV negative) and a daughter (HIV negative). He is successful, accepted in society, prosperous. It would seem like a happy ending? Why tell this story at all?
But Alexey and his wife Irina will not show their faces to the readers of Onliner.by. Why? Yes, because they live in Belarus and look at things realistically: a person who reveals his HIV-positive status risks facing rejection, isolation, and discrimination. And even more so a person who “dared” to live an ordinary normal life with a healthy wife and give birth to a child...
This story is an attempt to show the world of a person with HIV from the inside. There is a lot of guilt, anxiety, pain and despair. But there is also a place for love. Just listen to the end.
"Dead end. The locomotive has arrived and is standing"
In the early nineties, the generation that graduated from school ran straight into emptiness. Previous ideas and meanings were destroyed. There were no new ones. But you could easily call a taxi, and any driver knew where the heroin outlet was in the area. And the Roma in the private sector offered drugs “at a reasonable price.” This was Alexey’s reality at about 16 years old.
- When I graduated from school and had to grow up, I didn’t really understand what to do next. I was scared because I was forced to join the army, but I didn’t want to serve. At that moment drugs came into my life. First I tried marijuana, then injectables. I only came home to spend the night and eat. There was no work, no profession, no meaning in life. Ten years passed like this. I don’t remember when the HIV infection started.- says the man.
Alexey learned about his HIV diagnosis in 1997. At that time, this disease was considered fatal. There was no treatment. There were posters with huge inflamed lymph nodes, dying guys, the words “You have two to five years left” - in a word, a complete set of horrors.
- In 1997, I once again underwent treatment for drug addiction at a state clinic. Forcibly? No. All addicts periodically went to the hospital themselves to rest, switch gears, change the environment, get off the heroin dose, relieve pain, sleep, eat, all the while knowing full well that this “treatment” would not help in any way. Because they didn’t work with the psyche back then. After exactly two weeks of detoxification, addicts got into a taxi and went to the same point for heroin from which they were brought to the hospital.
Blood was taken at the clinic. For some reason I knew that I had something. Firstly, the lymph nodes became inflamed. Secondly, the doctor came up to me, first looked out the window for a long time, then at me. With sympathy. And drug addicts usually do not evoke sympathy from doctors. Aggression - yes. But here there was sympathy, and I began to guess that something bad had happened to me. “Why are you going to check out? Lie down with us a little longer and get some sleep,” the doctor started the conversation. And then I was called to the AIDS Center on Ulyanovskaya (we had one before), and the diagnosis was announced there. I was taking so many drugs back then that it seemed like I shouldn’t have cared. But I felt shocked and devastated.
The drug addict constantly experiences extreme despair. What else do you feel when you realize that you can’t recover, you can’t stop using? No matter what spells you read to yourself in the morning, right in the evening you go for a dose again. No matter what hospitals or doctors you go to, it’s all in vain. Addiction in those days defeated a person 100%. Everyone hopes for your recovery, but you understand that sooner or later you will die from an overdose. Or they'll take you to jail. Life turns into an existence in which there is a lot of pain, grief, drugs, anger, despair, hopelessness. No hope, no light, no future. It would seem that it doesn’t matter what you’re sick with, what you die from...
Despite all this, the news about HIV absolutely gutted me. If some tiny hope for the future still smouldered, it has now ceased to exist. Such a dead end when the locomotive arrived and stood there. Neither forward nor backward. Nothing. Emptiness. It’s as if the phone’s battery is dead, blinking red, and there’s nowhere to recharge it. But you can’t lie down and die. You still get up in the morning, brush your teeth, plan something...
“I admitted that I have HIV, the group surrounded me and hugged me”
Alexey hid his diagnosis from everyone - both from friends and from parents. He confessed only during a therapeutic group at a rehabilitation center in 2001.
- In the group, we learned to live in a new way, we understood that, besides drugs, drug addicts, police and hospitals, there are other things: living relationships, tears, laughter, frankness, support. I admitted that I have HIV, the whole group surrounded me and hugged me. Not at the level of words, but with my whole being, I felt that I was accepted. It became much easier for me to live with the diagnosis. Previously, I wanted to deny it, shut it up somewhere, pretend that it didn’t happen to me. Dissident thoughts that HIV does not exist are just from this series, when people cannot survive the state of shock because no one supports them. Then I told the truth to my parents. And it became easier.
After ten years of drug use, Alexey began (and still continues to this day), as he himself says in medical terms, “sobriety.” And since 2007 - antiretroviral therapy, that is, treatment for HIV. At first, Alexey, like other patients, did not understand the need for therapy. “That’s why HIV is scary,- says the man today, - Nothing hurts you, so why take medicine?”
And yet the disease made itself felt. Firstly, a state of constant cold, when it is impossible to warm up, no matter what you do. Secondly, chronic fatigue. Alexey only had enough strength to get himself up in the morning, go to work, and return at six in the evening and immediately fall asleep in exhaustion. And so every day. In the end, Alexey started taking medication and still does it - two tablets every day, morning and evening.
“Maybe with HIV infection no one will love me?”
- When I confessed to people about my diagnosis, I felt more comfortable, I realized that the world consists not only of those people who can neglect or judge me. I started building relationships with girls. There were still a lot of questions. Should I talk about the diagnosis or not? When to do this? Will they turn away from me or not? Maybe with HIV infection no one will love me? I tried to figure out these questions. Sometimes I was honest and brave, sometimes I was not. But I always thought about the safety of my partner.
The story of meeting Irina, my future wife, was quite banal, like all ordinary people. It was during advanced training courses. Alexey had already received a higher education and worked as a psychologist, and Irina was engaged in marketing in a public organization.
- We knew Irina in absentia because we worked in the same field. And I didn’t hide my diagnosis. Therefore, I did not need to reveal the secret about HIV infection, think about how she would react to it. I told Ira: “So that I don’t mislead you about the risks in sex, you can talk to specialists, doctors. Find out how the disease is transmitted and how it is not transmitted.”
She talked, communicated - and that’s it. It became clear that there are no risks or they are minimized in two cases. The first is that when a person takes treatment for HIV, his viral load decreases. In medicine it is called “undetectable”. And the person becomes harmless to others. To reduce the load, you need to take antiretroviral therapy for at least six months. And I've been doing this for many years. The second factor is protection. If people use a condom, this is enough to prevent them from infecting each other. All. Of course, we can imagine some sudden event when the condom breaks. But, again, if a person is taking treatment for HIV, it is not dangerous. HIV infection is not transmitted in everyday life.
This is how medicine and common sense defeated what Alexey himself calls “a person’s instinctive internal fear of illness.” Ira said yes. After several years of marriage, the couple began to think about a child. What methods are there? IVF in Belarus is not performed on patients with HIV. The Republican Scientific and Practical Center “Mother and Child” has a device for cleaning sperm from HIV infection. After cleaning, artificial insemination occurs. This is a difficult method, and although Alexey and Irina tried several times, they did not succeed.
“Then we decided to go the natural route.” After all, my viral load is very low, “undetectable.” We had a girl, she is now three years old. She is healthy, my wife is healthy - and thank God. I really wanted to have a family and children! Yes, it is more difficult to do this with HIV infection, but if you follow all the rules and consult with doctors, it is possible.
“A person with HIV is forced to live in constant anxiety, with the Criminal Code on the nightstand”
- Alexey, in the Criminal Code of Belarus there is Article 157 - “Infection with the human immunodeficiency virus.” Moreover, it even applies to families and officially married couples. In your opinion, is this normal?
- Of course not. Although Article 157 should be revised in the near future, it is a trap for HIV-positive people. A dead end in which you cannot possibly avoid being punished. After all, the case is initiated without a statement. That is, it was not the partner who came and said: “He infected me!” It happens differently. People go to get tested for HIV. And if both are positive, an epidemiological investigation is carried out: “Who infected you? Who did you sleep with? Yeah, with this? Come on, come here. Whether you are a husband or not is of no concern to us. Let’s go to the courtroom and there we’ll decide how much of a malicious infester you are.” And a person does not have the opportunity to say: “Wait, but I told my partner about my HIV status. I took precautions. There is no applicant. So why are you filing a case?”
An amendment to the law is now being proposed to make it possible not to initiate a criminal case if a person has warned about his status.
It is clear that the police are catching women from the sex trade who transmit HIV without a condom. A prostitute who infected several partners is jailed. But why aren’t the men she infected held accountable? They also have a head. Why didn't you wear condoms? Why did you use sex services? There is mutual responsibility here. But in the law it is one-sided - only for those who have HIV status.
And a person with HIV is forced to live in constant anxiety. With the Criminal Code on the nightstand, I would say.
Photo is for illustrative purposes only.
It would seem that we are a modern society. But the stigma against HIV-positive people has not disappeared. Neighborhood gossip is one thing. I don’t even want to consider this level. You never know what the neighbors say. But when a person is discriminated against by his own state at the level of laws and behavior of civil servants, this is very bad. If a person with HIV goes to the hospital for medical care and reveals his status, he may be refused and discharged on the same day - how many such cases have there been! Or doctors will put on twenty gloves during a banal examination, whispering in front of the patient... When there is criminal liability at the legislative level, there is discrimination, what can we talk about?
I understand that people who can transmit the disease need to be protected. But barriers should not be to the detriment of people with HIV. Their rights cannot be affected. Everything should not come down to punishing people with HIV-positive status. There must be reasons. If we say that the virus is only transmitted through blood, then why the hell can I not go to the pool? Why can’t a person with HIV work as a surgeon in our country, but in Sweden they can?..
Or all these posters with deaths, “AIDS - the plague of the 20th century”, syringes, poppy heads - why is all this? What does this have to do with, for example, a girl who was accidentally infected by a guy? Yes, she had never seen drugs in her life! She is sitting at a bus stop, she has HIV. She looks at the poster, associates herself with these syringes and thinks that if she admits her diagnosis to anyone, then people will decide that she is a drug addict, which means she is to blame. Or hundreds of housewives who did not leave their homes? My husband went on a business trip and then passed on HIV. Which group of drug addicts does she belong to? And if you are truly a drug addict and have contracted HIV, that’s it, you have no excuse. There is only one thing in the comments: “blue” or “green”, that’s where you belong. And this is a question of the maturity of society. HIV-positive people become a kind of scapegoat on which all human failure can be blamed. But another 10-20 years will pass, and everyone will forget about HIV. This will remain a disease of the past - like smallpox, which today, thanks to vaccinations, none of the doctors have seen.
“My friends said I was making a big mistake”
Irina proudly says: “Lesha and I have been together for nine years now.” Satisfied woman, happy marriage. But. Ira carefully hides the status of her husband. Even her mother doesn't know about this. Why? Because acceptance is never a virtue of our society.
- When we met Lesha, I was working in a public organization that also helps people living with HIV. Over many years of work, I began to treat HIV with less fear. I knew that there was such an Alexey, that he had a positive status and that he was doing an interesting job - that’s probably all. We met in person at advanced training courses. They lasted a week, and all this time we were next to each other,- Irina recalls.
Time passed, we continued to communicate. At some point I definitely understood: yes, we are starting a relationship. And that's when I became scared. There were two conflicting feelings. On the one hand, there was tenderness, love, attraction to Lesha, and on the other, of course, fear of the disease. Probably, if I had not worked with the topic of HIV for so many years before, I would not have continued the relationship. After all, getting infected with HIV was one of my biggest fears. Agitation and the fight against AIDS played a role in the 1980-1990s, when the epidemic was just beginning to spread and posters “AIDS - the plague of the 20th century” and death with a scythe hung everywhere. This was probably deeply embedded in my subconscious.
I told my friends about Lesha’s status, shared it with them and saw the horror in their eyes. They said: “Ira, what are you talking about! No need!" They warned me and said that I was making a big mistake.
I'll be honest with you, I don't know what worked. Why did I say yes? Why did you get into a relationship? Probably, my feelings overcame my fear, and I trusted Lesha. In addition, he works in this field, knows a lot, and advises patients with HIV.
Ira gave birth to a child like an ordinary woman. She simply did not tell the doctors about her husband’s status - and they did not ask.
- Since I know that the stigma is very great and even includes criminal liability for infection, then, to be honest, we hide everything very carefully. We protect ourselves and the child. When I was pregnant, I didn’t tell her that my husband had a diagnosis. There is a practice in clinics where the husband is told to take an HIV test. But this is all optional. I was preparing to fight back, to say that my husband didn’t want to take the test, I even took some kind of manual with me, which says that such tests are entirely voluntary. But I didn’t need it, because the doctor didn’t remember about it at all. So no one found out anything either at the clinic or at the maternity hospital.
“I told Lesha: let me write a receipt that I know about your illness.”
“I consider the situation in which a person with HIV could hypothetically be imprisoned to be abnormal, although his wife knows about his status and she herself, of her own free will, is in this relationship. All adults accept responsibility. I accept responsibility, yes, I take risks. And this is not only my husband’s business as a person with HIV, but also my own. If a person warned about his diagnosis, then there can be no talk of punishment. If he did not warn and did not take any precautionary measures, then, of course, there must be other possible consequences. I even told Lesha: let me write a receipt that I know about your diagnosis and accept responsibility. But it doesn't work. No one will accept such a receipt. So the situation is ridiculous, it definitely needs to be changed. For me, criminal liability for infection is the same stupid, non-working lever as the Grim Reaper on posters. As if that would prevent the spread of HIV!
- Tell me honestly: you feel anxious, you’re afraid of getting infected?
- Yes. Not every day, not all the time, but it happens. Especially when we were in the process of conceiving. I experienced great fears - but the reason was real. Now I don't feel anxious every day. Sometimes I even forget that Lesha has something. Fear arises when something happens: a small wound on a husband, for example. I think this is a normal instinct of self-preservation. I used to do HIV tests quite often, exactly once every six months, but after pregnancy and the birth of my daughter I stopped. We only have sex with a condom. And there were no other situations dangerous for infection. Now there is less fear - so the number of tests per year has decreased.
In our everyday life, everything is exactly the same as in any family. We eat together from the same dishes, our toothbrushes are in the same glass. No hassles at all.
I think our society lacks acceptance. And not only in relation to HIV infection. We have many special children, people with disabilities... Society rejects them. People reason in this spirit: “This is not in my family. This means that there are no such people at all. They don't exist." But we exist!
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Address of the AIDS Center: Kaliningrad, st. Zhelyabova, 6/8. Helpline 957-957.
Help "SK"HIV infection is a slowly progressive disease caused by the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). The virus infects cells of the immune system. As a result, her work is suppressed, and acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) develops. This means that the patient’s body loses the ability to protect itself from infections and tumors. Diseases occur that are not typical for people with normal immune status. Without treatment, these diseases cause death on average 9–11 years after infection. The average life expectancy during the AIDS stage is about nine months. With timely HIV treatment, life expectancy can be significantly extended.
Routes of infection
- Sexual contacts without a condom (both homosexual and heterosexual).
- Through blood - during medical and other procedures (most often when using drugs).
- From mother to child during pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding.
- Important (!): no infection occurs either from a handshake, or in the pool, or from a mosquito bite. When kissing, too, with an exception: if those kissing at the same time have bleeding wounds in the mouth.
Anxiety, fear: I’m afraid that I have infected my wife and daughter with HIV
Hello, Timur!Let's figure out what exactly the truth is. If I understand correctly, is this your guess that you, your wife and your daughter now have HIV? You did the test once, it turned out to be negative, this reassured you. Now you think that the baby’s difficult condition is a consequence of her infection. I suggest starting with researching the truth: take the test again, consult a good doctor about your concerns (are you really sick? Could an infection really have occurred? Are the symptoms that you are seeing now in your daughter really a sign of this particular disease, and not some other one?). You can also ask about how the delay in revealing the truth will affect the health of your daughter and wife? the truth about your condition and the possible consequences for your wife and child is the first thing you need to know. And if you are wrong? And this guilt moves you now? I will add that people also live with HIV, the statement that you ruined two lives is somewhat exaggerated. If the feeling of guilt completely torments you, let's work with it: responsible behavior is an alternative to the feeling of guilt.
If your concerns are real, and this is confirmed by a competent doctor, then it would be good for both your wife and daughter to get checked. You may ask, was your wife tested for HIV during pregnancy? (This procedure is usually performed twice, in the first and third trimester.) What do doctors say about your daughter's condition? What do they see as the reason for her condition?
Timur, regarding your question about how to tell the truth, several points are important here:
1. So much truth should be conveyed so that it does not destroy a person, but helps him better navigate reality. That is, the whole truth (about your infidelity, HIV) - this may be too much for your wife, who is just recovering from the birth and complications of your baby. You can tell the truth in parts, sparing your wife.
2. The truth requires special conditions: it is better to warn your loved one in advance that an important and difficult conversation is ahead. With this warning, your wife will be better prepared for your message.
3. For a difficult message, you need protected space, support, and certain frameworks. At this point, intimacy and warmth are important in your relationship so that you can look at the situation together and how things can go forward.
4. It is better to tell difficult truths in parts; each time, see if there are any questions from your spouse. If there are no questions, this may indicate that the spouse is on the border, and it may be worth limiting the flow of messages.
Timur, if things get really difficult, please contact me (my email is [email protected]), we can discuss your situation with you, and in the protected space of dialogue you can rehearse a possible message of the truth.
With respect and understanding, Daria Gulyaeva